When I look in his eyes, I don’t see perfection. I don’t see a love story that someone would watch on a big screen and dream about. I see someone who will fight for me and protect me in spite of all the ways I’m still a wreck. I see home. Melanie Shankle
A few months ago in getting ready to launch this blog I went through old journal entries and little quotes and writings I had saved in an old notebook. I came across notes for an old personal blog I started back when blogging was about sharing your family life, ours was pretty boring so it didn’t go anywhere, but it was called “Five Years Into It” because well, we were five years into our family life. This particular entry was difficult because it was the day of Kaylie’s fifth birthday.
“This has been by far, with the exception of her first birthday, the most difficult one yet. When I typed the date for the first time this morning at work my stomach sank. I felt like I’d been sucker punched in the gut and that pain spread throughout my body in the form of incredible sadness that overcame me. It took all I had in me to not breakdown right there at my desk. For the rest of the day every time I looked at the date on my calendar or had to write out the date I felt that lump in my throat form.
When they say that things get better with time, they’re not lying…it does. I find that with each passing day and each passing year the hurt in my heart for her is less and less. That is not to say that I don’t miss her and don’t wish every single day that we had her with us. I just think that the everyday tasks take precedence and there are days where I just don’t have time to dwell on her absence. There are other days when thinking about her and missing her is all I could do. On some of those wishing she was here makes me feel guilty, because I can’t help but wonder if she was here, who wouldn’t be. Then there are other days when not thinking about her makes me feel guilty for not missing her on that particular day.”
Almost another six years have passed since I wrote this and a lot of those feelings are still the same. We still miss her everyday, but life has taken over and there is not much time to think about the could haves of our lives had things turned out differently for us that day. Tomorrow begins year 11 of our family … 11 years ago tomorrow I married my best friend. My rock. My hero!
I never imagined that my life would turn out the way it has…with me being a dreamer and all, I envisioned an elaborate love story like those in the movies. I would have never imagined that our love story would turn out to be my favorite of all time! I’m in love with my life, with my kids and with my husband more and more everyday!